Shia Labeouf is killing my childhood...

How is it possible that one meddling no talent actor is single handedly infiltrating all my childhood favorites. I used to love Transformers long before I knew what Mise-en-scene was, and before I could care. I was not spoiled by film as art, Kubrick, Lynch or Hitchcock. I just sat back, ate cereal and had a great time. Now I have to wallow in this sea of remakes and unneeded sequels, and realize that people with idiotic names star in films which used to be favorite Saturday morning shows. That was strike one against Shia I did not take it personal I fell asleep during that Michael Bay music video with robots, woke up and swore at every inconsistency I could remember (literally, my apologies to my lady.) No big deal, no high expectations I only waited twenty years from when I saw the cartoon movie in the theater opening weekend. (Which was better...)

But now the "The Crystal Skull", which happens to be a favorite subject of mine combined with Indiana Jones. Shia your name is a spelling error in the blog of my heart. Spielberg how could you say to yourself, "Let's get that Even Stevens 'Human Paraquat' to be Indiana Jones sidekick or whatever Mutt Williams." Hey Lebeouf or whatever your ridiculous name is, why Indiana? Did you know that Mr.Jones is named after his dog? No, because "The Last Crusade" came out when you were still a three year old demon spawn, no wait that's cool, three year old ultra conservative republican (no offense to the the 1 ultra conservative republican that reads this blog, Steve I am sorry.) I am now taking this personally Sheelah Lbwooaf. I just want to be entertained by my nostalgia just like every other twenty-something, leave Leboof out of it. I am warning you Shia if anything with The Muppets ever comes up with your name on it, I will not be responsible for my actions.

The Orphanage

Finally, I have seen The Orphanage. And, in my opinion, it is one of the most perfect ghost films I have ever seen. I can't say enough good things about it!

It was super creepy, yet not as scary and off putting as ghosty films can be. There was a nice balance. There was also some really solid acting. It was stunning and atmospheric. The freakin house (the orphanage itself) was so amazing. The setting was beautiful and eerie and became its own character in the film. It was not action packed, gory or horrifying; so if that's your bag, you probably won't deem it one of the most perfect genre films ever. Just watch it for the house though! And the creepy sack headed child. Of course there is more to the film then the dead bag head kid. But he certainly is a high point. Truly, I was deeply moved and enraptured. But who wants to hear about that?? Everyone would rather ghost children with burlap bags fastened to their deformed little heads.



Poignant, sad, lovely and one of the best women-getting-hit-by-van scenes EVER *sigh* I am in love...

Collective

I tend to cross post things that I write on my own site here if they're movie related. That's just how I roll. But sometimes I forget and sometimes I have to go back and post stuff that I forgot to post here later.

This time I think I'm just going to put a lot of smaller random thoughts in one post and call it a kind of cornucopia of blogging joy. For you. Because you're that damned lucky to have me around. Because I'm a hot stack of awesome.

So here we go.

Benicio as Che, Speed Racer, Iron Man featuring Captain America's shiggity Shield

Benicio in Steven Soderbergh’s two part, four and a half hour Che Guevara movie that I’m probably never going to watch.

Well, at least maybe this way people will learn that the dude on their shirt isn’t actually Tommy Chong or a guy from Rage Against the Machine.

I think the thing that the producers and distributors of the Speed Racer movie weren’t really counting on was the fact that Speed Racer was a fucking retarded ass show that nobody really watched and it didn’t need to be a movie. Muchless a goofy CG shroom trip starring Alexander Supertramp.

I hope this finally sinks those stupid Wachowski brothers.

OH, also, for you easter egg junkies and comic book fans…

It turns out that Captain America’s shield is IN Iron Man. Well, not in the man himself, but in the movie.

Apparently it’s more discernable in the film itself, but there it is, sitting partially assembled on the table to the left. Given that Tony Stark is a weapons manufacturer, it would kind of make sense that he could be the guy who put it together.

Also, apparently, it's only actually in the film. If you watch the trailer it's gone but it's been added to the movie, probably via computering or dark devil magic.

Trailer = No shield. WTF?

Also, this:

 

Batman geekiness

Bill Pullman's Wiener

Hi there, I’m Bill. You probably know me from some of my comedy films like The Space Balls and Lost Highways and The Lake Placid, but what I’m here today to talk about is no laughing matter. I’m here today to talk to give you the straight talk about something very important. My wiener.

Now, I know what you’re saying. You’re saying "Who is this jive turkey and what’s all this jazz about his wiener?! Fuck you Bill Pull Man!" and let me just say right off the bat that I get it! I understand where you’re coming from! It might seem "square" or "un-groovy" or "totally gnarly" to have a frank and open discussion with a "square" or "un-groovy" grown about my wiener, but I think over the course of our little talk, you’ll come to see things from… well, from a different perspective.

Let me tell you a little story. When I was a kid, my momma told me "Bill, one day your wiener is going to change peoples lives" and I didn’t believe it then, just like I’m sure you don’t believe it now, but it was one hundred percent TRUE!

I learned just how true it was when my friend Jeff Goldblum and I used our wieners to author a devastating computer virus that we used to destroy the evil alien Zorthog in our hit comedy movie film Independence Day. In that film, I played the President of the United States of America. But today I come to you, not as the president, but just as a regular guy, like you might meet at a grocery store or in a van somewhere. Because, as my costar from The Lost Highways Patricia Arquette, discovered, my wiener is no laughing matter.

You may know Patricia as The Medium on the hit FOXTV show The Medium. I’ll let her tell the story. Patricia?

Thanks Bill!

Hey kids! My name is Patricia Arquette! You might know me as The Medium on the hit FOXTV show The Medium as well as my numerous hit comedy films like The True Romance and Bringing Out the Dead as well as The Lost Highways, where I stared with an actor you may recognize…. THAT’S RIGHT! MR BILL PULLMAN! Or maybe you just know me as David Arquette’s sister! His other sister, that’s not Rosanna… or that tranny.

But I’m not here to talk about my hit movies and hit FOXTV show. I’m here to talk about something very important and serious and important. Bill Pullman’s wiener. Let me tell you a story… a story that takes place in a slightly more innocent and less dangerous time. It was 1996, before most of you were born! I was working on a little David Lynch film called The Lost Highways, and things were great! I was on top of the world! But what I didn’t know was that life was about to take a turn for the serious… and the freaky!

You see, I was once like you! I didn’t think that Bill Pullman’s wiener was something I needed to take seriously. I thought it was a laugh or a gas or a hootenanny. That was until one day, Bill pulled me aside and said "I’d like to talk to you Patty." But, back then I had so much coke up my nose that I didn’t know whether it was day or night, up or down, dry or wet, much less who I was talking too. So I said "Go away fucker!" and that’s when he whipped it out. Bill Pullman’s wiener! And I made the worst mistake of my life. I laughed. I laughed because, well, that’s just how it goes sometimes when you’re rolling on an eightball and someone whips out their tally-whacker. That’s when Bill slapped me on the titty and said "Don’t you laugh at MY WIENER you fat fucking twat!" and that sobered me up real quick, let me tell you! Nothing centers you quicker than getting slapped on the tit and called a fat twat. Especially since I only weight 92 pounds at the time and I hadn’t had a regular cycle in four years!

That’s also when I finally understood exactly what I was a looking at. Not just a wiener. Bill Pullman’s wiener. I stopped laughing because I knew that unlike other wieners, this wiener had the potential to change the world, one life at a time.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking "holy shit, if this bitch doesn’t shut up, I’m going to fucking kill myself" and that’s okay, because it can be a lot to take in at once. I mean it’s a lot mentally to take in. Physically, it’s not that impressive, or difficult to take in. Physically.

Uh oh! I better get back to my closet! It looks like Bill’s putting on his tit slappin’ gloves!

Bye! Here’s Bill!

Thanks Patricia Arquette! I’ll talk to you later!

Hey, it’s me again, Bill Pullman. But please, call me Bill, or, if you’d rather, The Pull Man.

I hope Patricia’s story helped illustrate just how important proper preparation and education can be when dealing with my wiener. Although, when you get right down to it, sometimes you just have to jump into the deep end of the pool. That’s why I’ve set up a little viewing station, here in a the bathroom. Or, as I like call it, the Pullman’s Wiener Room.

So, if you’d like to step up, single file, and that way, every one will get a chance to view my wiener. And for the love of god, no photos, please! No pushing! NO TOUCHING! HAVEN’T YOU ALL LEARNED ANYTHING TODAY! GOD!

That’s it. Forget it. You’re not ready.

I tried, but… I don’t know. I’m going to go now.

You don’t deserve it. Not Bill Pullman’s wiener.

Here's a first look at Josh Brolin as George W. Bush in Oliver Stone's upcoming movie W.

It's kind of fitting that a film maker with absolutely zero credibility is making a movie about a president with absolutely zero credibility.

X-Files the Movie 2 trailer and Quantum Leap

the new official X-Files movie trailer is online.

I’m still waiting for my Quantum Leap movie.

IF they ever DO make a Quantum Leap movie, I’ve got the poster covered!

And that's it for now.

Uwe Boll is an abomination before god and all that is holy

via Eli Roth's myspace.

Like, seriously.

I've been warning people not to rent In the Name of the King. I'm honestly a little pissed at Blockbuster for putting me in this position. Putting me between Uwe Boll and the unsuspecting movie going audience. People don't catch on very quick either. I explain the situation to them and they go "BUT IT'S GOT JASON STATHAM IN IT! IT MUST BE AWESOME!" which is the rational that a lot of people are using for renting it.

It's a rational I don't really get either... when I tell people "Don't rent this movie. You're going to come back and want a refund I won't won't give it to you because I'm warning you right now" and they go "BUT IT'S GOT JASON STATHAM IN IT!" and I go "So what?! FUCK Jason Statham."

I mean, really... since when did Jason Statham become the baramitor of awesomeness in a movie? Has he been in a genuinely good movie since like... Snatch? Seriously? I heard Revolver was good, but that's the only thing I can think of that's really worth noting. Aside from a few odd comedic rolls, Jason Statham fucking sucks.

But people who come in and ask what the popular new releases are and then rent those without even looking at the box love Jason Statham. They think he's the shit.

But Jason Statham can't save a Uwe Boll movie from sucking. No one can. Not even Ray Liotta (who also, I might add, fucking sucks, and hasn't really been in a good movie since the movie that made him famous, Goodfellas) as the evil wizard.

Fucking Uwe Boll. I hate him so much. Some people like him as a kind of joke. Like someone who's so bad he's good. But he's not. He's so bad he's just bad. But he's like a little kid who acts out and gets attention, because people GIVE him attention. I want to scream at everyone to "SHUT UP DON'T ENCOUARAGE HIM!" but of course you can't scream at everyone and there's always going to be someone egging him on.

More than anything, I just want him to disappear. Please, just go away.

One could argue that he's not hurting anything. He's at least contributing something, even if it's shit.

And, at first, this seems like a good argument. But it's not, and here's why.

His contributions affect other movies. He gets funding from Germany to make these abortions and apparently actors (some even like, GOOD actors) don't really care if the movie they're participating is good or not, just so long as they're getting paid. I mean, I don't dislike Jasos Statham... when I said he sucks, it's not because I don't like him, I just don't think he's particularly good. I think he's an extremely limited actor who is pretty only good when he's reading Guy Richie dialog. But I'd like to think he's not an idiot either. But he had to have read the script for In the Name of the King at some point. Someone had to have said "Hey, you know this is a Uwe Boll movie, right?". And fucking Ray Liotta! Come on man! You suck but you're not insane!

He's pulling these other people down with him. That's not cool.

Ya know, I watched Bloodrayne and a lot the actors he had in that movie, as horribly shitty as it was, pretty much deserved to be there. Aside from Ben Kingsly, we were dealing with the caliber of actor you'd expect to be in shitty movies. Michael Madson, Michael Pare, Kristanna Loken, Billy Zane, Michelle Rodriguez. People like that. Fucking Meatloaf.

But somehow after making shitty movie after shitty movie, his movies are getting bigger, not smaller. He's somehow getting better actors to participate in his atrocities. I don't get it. Like, fucking Leelee Sobieski should know better! I'm not saying she's some kind of brilliant actress, but she's at least like... a real actress. Certainly moreso than Kristanna Loken and Meatloaf. She should fucking know better! And even Ray Liotta should have more self respect that THIS.

I know that by doing this post I'm only further giving this fucktard attention, but christ, it had to be said at some point.

You're fucking kidding me

From Variety

Nic Cage to star in 'Bad Lieutenant' Werner Herzog directing updated version of film

By DAVE MCNARY, PAMELA MCCLINTOCK, PAMELA MCCLINTOCK

The original 'Bad Lieutenant' earned an NC-17 rating for its depiction of a lowlife cop in Gotham.

Nicolas Cage will star in an updated version of 1992's "Bad Lieutenant" with Werner Herzog directing, Edward R. Pressman producing and Avi Lerner's Nu Image/Millennium Films financing.

Project, also called "Bad Lieutenant," is due to be announced at Cannes. Production will start in late summer.

The original pic, produced by Pressman, starred Harvey Keitel and was directed by Abel Ferrara from a screenplay by Ferrara and Zoe Lund.

Story followed the depraved New York police officer of the title, who was heavily involved in drugs, gambling, sex and stealing; the pic received an NC-17 rating.

The new script's penned by Billy Finkelstein, a TV writer with credits on "Murder One," "Law & Order" and "NYPD Blue." Stephen Belafonte, who brought Finkelstein to the project, is also producing, while development was financed by producers Alan and Gabe Polsky.

Along with Lerner, Nu Image/Millennium's Danny Dimbort, Trevor Short and Boaz Davidson will exec produce with Elliot Rosenblatt and Alessandro Camon. Randall Emmett and Cage's Saturn Films are also producing.

Cage is filming "Knowing" in Australia for director Alex Proyas. Herzog's expected to follow "Bad Lieutenant" with Focus' "The Piano Tuner" late this year.

Wait... what?

Diary Of The Dead Ewww... I Mean 2

Oh joy of joys! *GASP* A sequel to Diary of the Dead?? Read all about it here. Apparently it isn't official yet and I kinda hope it doesn't become so. I didn't much enjoy the original. Not all movies should have sequels. George is still #1 in my book. XOXO

The Descent 2: Bringing Folks back From The Dead

The women who played the "lead" characters from the original, Juno and Sarah, are going to be in the sequel. That's neat, right? Cast members from the original coming back for the 2nd one. It adds continuity and realism.

Oh, except for the fact that both women being alive makes no sense what so ever (unless they are featured in flashbacks and flashbacks alone). If you believe the US ending, Sarah left Juno for dead as she narrowly escaped the caves herself. How can you rescue Juno from that little pickle? She was a goner and Sarah's lame little jhorror esque flash of her ghost in the SVU is further proof of that. If you believe the vastly superior UK ending, then Sarah is pictured trapped and insane in a small inescapable hole. Juno may be dead, but Sarah is crazy and that whole thing may have been in her revenge seeking mind. Either ending really left things looking bleak.

So fine, suspend your disbelief. They are both alive. They managed to escape untold horrors. Good for them. So what is the plot of this second installment? Well, bloody disgusting.com says "The script sees the survivor forced back into the system of caves she battled her way out of in the first film, in a bid to locate the rest of her group." At this point I really wonder if I need to poke holes and point out why that statement HAS to be incorrect. But I'm going to. The rest of her group is dead. Everyone else died. They showed it. Without question. Maybe the whole thing will turn out to be a dream. Maybe by "group" they mean Juno. Maybe Sarah did get out as in the US ending and her guilt over leaving Juno was just too unbearable. So she ventures back into the caves to rescue the friend who was sleeping with her husband, only to find she's already dead because that's the only thing that makes sense.

Kubrick/Jackson/Del Toro Genetic Experiments.

As verified on the BBC news website on April 25, 2008 "Mexican-born filmmaker Guillermo del Toro has been named as the director of the film version of JRR Tolkien's The Hobbit and its proposed sequel." This is not news to most of us I am sure, for Del Toro has received more exposure then a Ukranian Nuclear Power Plant in the Winter of '86. In my research I have discovered that there is not just creative kinship in Jackson and Del Toro's past.

In 1960 several production companies conspired to have a never ending supply of Art house directors to lend merit to mainstream blockbuster films, thus appealing to the widest possible demographic. On October 7th 1960 Stanley Kubrick's problem child 'Spartacus' was born into a world of financial success and populist appeal. At the opening night gala of 'Spartacus' Stanley Kubrick drank down a glass of Merlot depositing a small amount of saliva onto the rim of his discarded glass. This glass was collected by a unknown scientist disguised as a waiter. The glass was brought back to a undisclosed location in Los Angeles where Kubrick's genetic material was collected from his deposited spittle. On Halloween of the following year Peter Jackson was created in a test tube from Kubrick's genetic material and switched out with an infant born to Bill and Joan Jackson family in New Zealand. It took the Los Angeles pioneering geneticists almost two years to yield anymore Kubrick test tube progeny. On October 9 of 1964 Guillermo del Toro was created and was sent to Mexico in hopes that Kubrick, Del Toro and Jackson would never realize any connection. However one has only to compare photographs of Kubrick, Jackson and Del Toro to see an undeniable resemblance (seen below)













It is a genetic variation set by Kubrick that caused Jackson to create 'Meet the Feebles', 'Bad Taste', 'Heavenly Creatures' and then follow all that with The Lord of the Rings Trilogy. Now Del Toro has experienced the results of Kubrick's genetic predetermination. The genetic variation is the most severe in the case of Kubrick and it shows in the juxtaposition of 'Spartacus' and say 'Clockwork Orange', in Jackson there is a kind of abstract congruity in his filmography and by the time test tube Del Toro was created there was a seamless polished consistency to his genetic code as well as his cinematic career. The geneticists that worked on this project seem to have ironed out all the bugs the second time around with Del Toro. But watch out just now as I write this there is a bearded overweight 9 year old with incredible abilities picking up an digital camera in some corner of the world.

Cloverfield II viral marketing or not? You decide.

Read more here.

Also I found this leaked piece of artwork, I think they're still trying to pin down the storyline for the sequel.




















wOOt!

"[REC]"; "Let the Right One In" & Why I'm Mad

So time to let the opinions fly friends!

I've been reading about [REC] for a few months now. For those of you who have no clue what it is (you can click that link), in short, it's a first person horror flick out of Spain. I had a feeling we weren't going to see a wide release in the states, and then I found out I was right. One of my favorite blogs in the world, Final Girl, tipped me off to some valuable info, click to read. .....
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So you read it. WTF??? They are remaking it? WHAT?! What kind of bullshit is this? It's already made people!! Why do we have to re shoot it with Americans? This may not have aggravated me to this level had I not read something very similar last night.

Everyone has been all abuzz about the Swedish vampire flick Let the Right One In. Even though I am mere minutes from some of the theaters screening the film during Tribeca, I was very late in hearing about the film. So no tickets for me. I just have to read the endless praise and fanfare. Oh, and I also read this. CLICK......
.......
So now you've read that. I am angry. I don't care if American horror has gone to shit. So many people claim it's dead. Whatever, I just won't go see the remakes and PG13 flicks. It saves me cash. It's obvious that these 2 foreign films are doing well. But instead of releasing them here, they have to be remade? Am I missing some important piece of the puzzle that makes this make sense? And am I reading too much into this, or is it really pompous on Hollywoods part? It's either "Americans are too dumb for this Swedish film" or "We can totally make this awesome movie even awesomer!". Or most likely it sounds more like this: "How can we make the most money off this". Either way I hate it. But I love the Let the Right One In trailer!