Sexy Battle Girls!

I have read and or heard some reviews for a few of the Pink Eiga film releases over the past year and have anticipated actually seeing some of these movies for quite some time now. Pink Eiga deals specifically in releasing hard to find/unreleased in the U.S. Pink films, which in a nutshell are Japanese soft-core porno's usually mixing in a variety of action, comedy, violence and or perversion resulting in a trashy fun time. I've seen a few of the Toei Pinky Violence films and really enjoyed them, but with 1986's Sexy Battle Girls, this was my first foray into a Pink Eiga film and a release from the Pink Eiga Company…oh boy, I had no idea what I was in for!

Directed by Mototsugu Watanabe, Sexy Battle Girls surprisingly has a somewhat developed, yet very strange, mostly pointless plot. I guess the best way to start it off would be with the opening scene in the film. You ready for this one? Okay, we first meet high school girl, Mirai (Pink film genre vet, Kyoko Hashimoto) as she is getting it on (!) with some random teacher dude (?!). After a few moments of the guy clogging the sewage drain, suddenly you hear a sound similar to a bear trap closing and the guy begins to scream in utter pain. The next scene, Mirai is chastised by her father (Yutaka Ikejima) for removing her Rainbow Bright, spring action, chastity belt and letting a guy slide into home, only to lose his bat in the process. As it turns out, her father has been training her in the classical art of the "Venus Crush." What is the "Venus Crush" you ask? Well, best way to describe it is when Mirai's dad puts an apple in her "hiding spot" then has her use the "Venus Crush" move resulting in...apple slices! Get out the peanut butter kids!

Why is Mirai's father turning her into a cock-crushing machine? Because he is looking to take revenge on the...ahem, "bigger" guy that stole his pregnant wife (and Mirai's mother) from him back in the day and plans on using Mirai's "innie" to do so. He tells Mirai that "Love is not an option…you have to train your weapon by crushing bananas and eggs!" EGGS?! Sounds messy to me. So yea, he has her wearing this chastity belt made out of spare tinker toys (that doesn't seem very resilient to removal), to keep her away from man meat so she can focus on her…I don't know, kegels I guess?

After the whole "dong destroying" incident and in hoping that she will keep her knees closed, Mirai's father transfers her to a new all girls private school where the Headmaster, Bush (Yukijiro Hotaru) just so happens to be that same "bigger" guy that stole Mirai's mother away from her father. Mirai quickly becomes friends with pseudo-lesbian and Headmaster Bush's daughter, Yuka (Ayu Kiyokawa), but also meets and makes fast enemies with the school bully, Susan (Ayumi Taguchi) whose weapon of choice is ballpoint pens used like throwing knives. It is soon learned that Headmaster Bush has taken the liberty of putting the "trouble making" students through various torture-filled punishment and then turning the helpless girls into prostitutes for politicians to feast on. Now, armed with a "modded" Kendama (Japanese yo-yo), Mirai must deal with a pen throwing foe, a corrupt Headmaster, holding back her own youthful promiscuousness, her father's revenge fueled needs, a cock-compacter for a birth canal and math class. Yikes!

Sexy Battle Girls is something else to say the least. Of course, this synopsis is filled with some pretty out there stuff and that's not even the half of it. Calling the movie soft-core porn is putting it lightly, since Sexy Battle Girls is only a pubic hair away from a full on porno film. A very creepy porno film. I actually decided to keep track of sexy screen time and including all scenes involving full on or partial sex related moments, I came up with just around…27 minutes. Did I mention that Sexy Battle Girls is about 60 minutes long? Well, it is and it may have some of the sleaziest sex scenes I have seen in quite some time. I was almost uncomfortable with some of these scenes in the film because they felt so dirty, wrong and inappropriate. Plus, being nude myself didn't help my guilt any either.


Now, the other 33 minutes of Sexy Battle Girls is spent with the very attractive Mirai and her many "in-between sex scene" adventures. Obviously, 33 minutes isn't a whole lotta time to spend, so there really isn't much in terms of action and adventure, which is a bit of a bummer. The very little action however is pretty cool and mostly well shot; best is probably when Mirai and school bully, Susan have there face off. The girls fight with there weapons of choice, pens for Susan and Mirai's yo-yo of death, but that quickly turns into hand to hand combat. Now this isn't hand to hand with style, this is some Dynasty cat-fight shit right here, as the girls role around in grass and weeds pulling hair and punching titties…it reminded me of the "at the next bus stop" girl fights in 8th grade that you got off on an early stop to witness. There's a big difference between Dynasty and Sexy Battle Girls though, I don't remember all that well, but I doubt the classic Dynasty cat-fights ended with a yo-yo concealing a (surprise!) retractable dildo that renders its female victims…err, orgasmic.

Considering Sexy Battle Girls apparently had a budget of 30K, the movie is overall skillfully made by Mototsugu Watanabe a well-regarded director who has over 100 films under his belt and is still making Pink Eiga movies to this very day. Even some of the creepy sex scenes are filled with some nice shots and creative angles to amplify the filth of the film. The low budget shows mostly in some of the cheap sets and props and when I say props, I mean the silly looking chastity belt I made reference to earlier that is covered in springs and toy pieces (more on cheap props in a moment). However, things like that make a film like this charming and fun. I should also note that Sexy Battle Girls is a straight parody of 80's TV series Sukeban Deka (aka Delinquent Girl Detective, or most recently Yo-Yo Girl Cop) adding of course plenty of sex and sleaze not found in the inspiration for Sexy Battle Girls. This results in the film having a very obvious TV feel to it, complete with commercial break intros and outros.


I may come off as loving Sexy Battle Girls, but I didn't necessarily love it. I did however really like it, especially during the 33 minutes of sexless fun and pointless weird story, but surprisingly, the sex was a little much for me (?). First of all, there was a little too much sex and not enough action. Secondly, the sex is pretty dirt-teh and just creepy in general. I don't mind filth and sex in my film choices...in fact, I would normally encourage it. And yeah, sometimes the sex scenes are hot, but other times they are just gross, especially when you see some of the "slimier" moments in the film. And then there's the fake dicks…do you care to hear about the fake dicks? Thought so. There are a few sex scenes where falacio is performed on a few "very obviously" rubber wieners, that while being "semi" funny, is also way weird and the dongs are all glossy looking.

So, I really enjoyed Sexy Battle Girls, it's a very sleazy fun film, with a wacky premise, tons of hot naked Asian girls, and some very silly characters. I would suggest anyone that is not easily offended by lots of grody sex, check it out, but if you aren't into the sex stuff…even a little, you may want to stay far, far away. Nevertheless, for those of you game for some dirty birdie voyeuristic fun, definitely check out Sexy Battle Girls for a romp unlike any other! If any of this sounds like it could float your boat, then I encourage you to check out the Pink Eiga website where you can find Sexy Battle Girls along with a nice handful of other films including S&M Hunter. In addition, check out these fantastic podcast's, The Gentlemen's Guide to Midnite Cinema and Cinema Diabolica if you want to hear some other great reviews of Pink Eiga films.