Cold Prey

I love netflix. Do you know what I love even more than netflix? That's right! Instant watch on netflix! If it wasn't for the truly inspired merger of xbox and netflix I most likely wouldn't have seen Cold Prey.

Cold Prey is a Norwegian thriller/slasher. 5 friends go snowboarding in some pretty glorious mountains and end up stranded in an abandon hotel. They begin to *spoiler!* get killed off. Ya know what, I'm going to get my label gun out and call this one a straight slasher. At this point in my paragraph I am struggling with what to say. Everything I start to type comes across hateful and unforgiving. I did not hate this movie. The thing is, I didn't really like it either.

Let's start on a positive note; Cold Prey is gorgeous. If the setting and the snow are supporting characters, then the abandoned 70's ski lodge is the leading man. The structure itself was the only interesting thing in the film. The creepy and ominous nature of the lodge was the only thing building tension. Welcome to the negative.

There was nothing different, shocking, challenging or memorable (other than the setting) about Cold Prey. The plot was predictable and stale. This film was just very formulaic to me. I may be asking for too much. I myself said not 2 paragraphs ago that this was a "straight slasher". Since when are slashers supposed to challenge viewers?

In the end, Cold Prey was entertaining enough. The snow and the abandoned propriety make it worth a watch. I am really curious to see what other people thought of this film. I knew very little going in and I was a bit saddened this film never went outside the box.

Chuck Norris Ate My Baby!

Chuck Norris Ate My Baby is the web's hottest new genre film blog, written by our very own Matt. You may know Matt from such posts as "Your Mother's Like A Doorknob...Everyone Gets A Turn!" and "You can't piss on hospitality...I WON'T ALLOW IT!!". If you're even a casual reader of this blog you already know the man's work. He's funny, He's knowledgeable and we love him! Check out his first post HERE, it's a clip from the movie Undefeatable. What a way to start!

Too Cool For School

I often enjoy the writings of a great little movie blog titled Quiet Cool that is written by my very knowledgeable pal, Hans. Always thinking it was just a catchy little name, I was intrigued when I saw that there was a film of that same inspirational title while searching the bowels of the HD section of my On-Demand. I was yet even more intrigued when I saw that the one and only James Remar is the lead in this 1986 Clay Borris directed mish-mash of genres.

Right out of the gate you get the original New Line Cinema intro flickering on, like a dirty red light in some crust ridden alleyway, which instantly got me excited since I haven’t seen that logo in who knows how long. Moving right in to the familiar sounds of the sexy 80’s saxophone that was almost a staple of so many gritty crime/cop dramas from the decade of the beast, we are introduced to a sleepy police officer, Joe Dylanne (Remar) as he awakes from slumber…in full clothing. Joe rolls over, reaches for the pizza at the foot of his bed, and takes a big, thick, bite out of it! To be perfectly clear here…he is eating pizza that was left out all night long (or longer) in his lavish pigsty of an apartment (complete with motorcycle inside) all while collecting diarrhetics and other such food born illnesses. Maybe this film should have stared James Dia-Remar.

After he probably did not take a shower, Joe hits the streets of New York City on his motorcycle where he witnesses a smooth criminal on roller skates rob an unwary woman for her purse. For the record, he may be a thief, but at least this eight-wheeled bandit is thinking of safety as he wears a nice red helmet to match with his stylish yet skate friendly blue and red outfit. Remar, I “mean” Joe, being a man of the law (and a rollerblader) isn’t down with roller skate dudes that steal purses, and the big motorcycle/roller skate chase scene through the city begins. Not afraid to take it from the streets to the sidewalk, Joe can’t be shook off as easy as this inter-skate thief would like, so roller girl decides it’s time to make his way down into the safety of the subways. You know that shit aint gonna stop Joe, and it doesn’t as he rides on into the underground subway system right after the bandit, even going as far as to drive right into a subway car! It’s a great 80’s cop/action chase scene as it is funny and entertaining while showing you that Joe isn’t a cop that lives by the rules, he rules by the way he lives! He is the often grumpy, out of control, by his own rules cop, that while being a little sketchy with his methods, is one that is good at what he does. Which is apparently catching roller skaters. Hey…someone’s gotta do it.

In a completely different setting, Quiet Cool’s next scene is introduced by a faux (too old to be a) hippy couple as they are laying 69 style in a hammock whilst listening to California Dreaming on a fast forward only “walkman” that has dual headphones pumping in the inspirational music, as their hands slightly touch during their moment of peaceful bliss. Next, we meet the couple’s son Joshua (Adam Coleman Howard ), who after a little adventuring into the woods, comes to witness the death of a young man by a group of four motorcycle riding tough guys, who also double as a drug cartel trying to protect their pot farm from punk ass tattle tales. Joshua runs back to his parents, screaming about what he saw, but not too far behind is the gang. When they show up, the fearsome foursome cold-bloodedly kill both of Joshua’s parents before they focus their attention on Joshua, who gets his ass lassoed and dragged from the back of a bike until he is tossed right off of a cliff, falling to his death. This drug cartel is surprising since some old man in the woods (think Bill Lee) could achieve the same drug racket results without the use of four thugs, let alone the other ten or so cartel employees who have yet to show up in Quiet Cool. However, the main four baddies (the ones that killed Joshua and his rents) are amazing to look at in their diversity, and enjoyable in the actors that play them. Starting out with Valence played by Nick Cassavetes, the leader of the pack, who rocks out in all black. Then you got the red head red looking dude named, well, Red as played by one time John Rambo victim, Chris Mulkey. Cairo is the creepy, hair slicked back, all leather gimp minus the mask played by the not so well known horror genre vet, Clayton Landey. Adding yet another shade to this criminal color scheme is Pink, who actually is not pink at all, but very much similar in appearance to an albino person, an albino person played by Tim Shepard himself, Brooks Gardner.

As it turns out, the slain parents and teenage boy are related to a pretty little thang named Katy (Daphne Ashbrook), who just so happens to be an ex-girlfriend of Joe. After her family is missing for a few days, Katy has no one else to turn to and calls Joe for help. Of course, Joe takes off with the quickness and heads right out to Babylon, California to do a little investigating and help his one time lover. After some more intercourse-inducing saxophone plays, Joe reaches his destination of Babylon, which is a very small town, set deep in the wilderness. Joe meets up with Katy where she tells him about her missing brother and family, and she also informs him that the town has become ridden with gangsters who have ruined the quite peaceful town it once was with their pot ring and loud motorbikes. Most of the town has become corrupt, and the ones that are not in on the dope scheme, are afraid for their lives. Gang leader Valence has a network of thugs, towns folk, and even Babylon’s only police officer, Sherriff Prior (Jared Martin from the War of the Worlds TV show!) in his pocket. With big city Joe on the scene poking his nose around, Valence’s thugs attempt to cause trouble for Joe and his old bed buddy, Katy. One scene that is nothing of any original value, but great nonetheless is when Joe and Katy go to visit Katy’s mother at the bar where she works, when two of Valence’s men begin giving Katy a hard time. By hard time I mean, one of the guys is making rude “gestures” such as performing oral sex on his beer bottle (very sanitary), he then does that thing where if you make a peace sign with your fingers, turn your hand so your knuckles are facing away from you, and insert your tongue in between said fingers. Not really sure what it means, but it cant be good, because Joe gets up and lets the Babylon baboons know who’s the boss up in this piece in a scene that results in Joe doing a little mustache trim job on one of the Babylon bullies.

At some point during all of this great Joe action, it is learned that Joshua survived his motorcycle led cliff fall and after getting his bearings together again, decides it’s time for a little vengeance! Being the son of two hippie dorks with money and living most of his life in the woods; Joshua is well adapted to the elements and is almost Rambonian © in a way. Joshua’s “awesome” first revenge filled attack is on one of Valence’s compounds surrounded by a few of his men. Actually, when I say compound, I mean a place one-step above a lemonade stand that is protected by one of Valence’s most valuable players, Toker (Joe Sagal), who as you may have guessed based off his name, is getting baked while keeping an eye on the so-called compound. Toker is soon joined by a few other baddies including one of Valence‘s top dogs, Cairo who is making sure everything is copacetic. Then, from completely out of nowhere, a flaming arrow hits a container of gas next to the compound courtesy of Joshua! Shit blows up and the reaction from stoned is the way of the walk himself, Toker, is so hysterical as he yells out “COOL!” when the fireball engulfs the air. Cairo on the other hand is straight buggin’ yelling “SAVE THE GRASS!” in fear of losing all of their product. Joshua making mincemeat out of one of the outposts really pisses Valence off, and thankfully so, as Valence takes it out on Toker, blaming him for being too stoned to protect the goods. Valence takes his lit cigarette and shoves it into Toker’s ear as he yells, “SMOKE THIS!” Lesson learned.

All of the ruckus from Joshua’s attack gets the attention of Joe who runs into Joshua and is very relieved to see that he is still alive. Joe and Joshua team up to take on the rest of the thugs and rid the town of Babylon of this marijuana menace that has plagued its inhabitants for far to long. It’s a great match up as Josh is a kid of the woods, whose weapons of choice are familiarity with his surroundings and things like bow and arrows, spears, and sling shots. Joe on the other hand has his gun and his guts. He is out of his element, but with Joshua by his side, they can do some serious damage together. Quiet Cool as I brought up in the opening is a mish-mash of genres and two of them are clearly represented by Joe and Joshua themselves. Joe represents the 80’s cop character with a chip on his shoulder seen in many a film from Cobra to Dirty Harry, and to an extent, something like Beverly Hills Cop. You have the opening scene that as I said is very reminiscent of a cop film from that time period and it even goes right up into the use of that sexy saxophone (which became less as the film went on) I brought up a few times. Joshua on the other hand, represents feral revenge in the name of his murdered family ala First Blood, Predator, or any number of survivalist films that have come before and after Quiet Cool. This seems to come up a lot in the movies I have previously written about; one genre that is merged with the survivalist genre in some way or another…works for me almost every time and works for me in Quiet Cool too.

One of the stronger aspects of Quiet Cool for me is of course Remar himself as Joe. A character that goes through a slight change that fits in with the direction of the movie by the final reel. Joe and the film start off as fun and action packed with a slight sense of humor in how the movie and the character are handled. By the end of the film though, Joe seemed very different, like he has gone through an evolution of sorts. He is still a badass, but he is a badass in a different way than you would find in a crime/cop film, which is how he seemed in the first act. This character change fits in well with the genre that Quiet Cool really is deep down in its bones, and that is of a Western film. It would not seem at all like a Western in the first half, but when you think about some of the story I brought up in this here review thingy, the structure is that of a Western film. Remar’s character Joe in the end is a cowboy that has been called in to help a town that’s been brought to its knees by a band of bad guys. By the end of the film, Quiet Cool has almost completely transitioned into a Western especially when you see the fantastic finale between Joe/Joshua, Valence, and some of Valence’s leftover thugs.

With all of these different types of genre conventions in use, Quiet Cool is susceptible to being looked at as uncreative or unoriginal. I wouldn’t disagree because Quiet Cool is filled with genre clichés, but I can only say that I see a director in Clay Borris (who also co-wrote) that made a film that he wanted to make, filled with genre aspects that he loves. To his credit, he does a pretty great job of it (in all aspects) as Quiet Cool is truly all killer no filler, and I could even make a slight comparison to Tarantino, who is the king of taking his favorite parts of different types of genres and melding them together to his personal liking resulting in a hybrid film of sorts. This is no Tarantino film by any stretch, but it is a very good one, and like a Tarantino film, if you are a fan of the movie types that are influencing the end result, you will like what you see in Quiet Cool. I know I did.

Samurai Avenger: The Blind Wolf

Found this trailer for the film, Samurai Avenger: The Blind Wolf on Twitch today and thought I would share it with you...cause you're mouth is purdy. The influences are as clear as day from the awesome posters, the 1:38 of coolness that is found on the following video, and right up through the story of…“A blind samurai that battles seven assassins in a remote town to get to the psychopath who murdered his family and took his eyesight.” Now that’s my kinda story! Check it out…

Need I say more? Well, maybe I’ll just say that I cannot wait for the “uncensored” version…if ya know what I mean. Also, this is one of those films that look like it could be a blast, or a complete bust. I of course am hoping for the former. No luck on a release date yet, but the film is making its festival run and hopefully it will see a DVD release soon enough. Here is the official website for more details.

I CAN HAZ TRON LEGACY?!

I'm sure everyone has already seen this, but I had to post it. Tron was one of my favorite childhood movies and I've been hoping for another one since I could fully comprehend the concept of a sequel. This thing looks amazing. (Watch it full screen!)



Right??? Of course the visuals are amazing and updated as expected, but the sound design of this trailer was really striking to me. Sound has always been an important part of Tron. The sound design of the first film really gave the imaginative world in which the film took place a more weighty and textured feel. From the digital roar of the light cycles to the wall breaking of the game grid, the sound is what grounded the film and made it bit more realistic...As realistic as a computer world can be, I suppose. It's a relief to see, or should I say hear, that they've continued to focus on the sound rather than forgetting about it completely. From what I've read Daft Punk will handle the score, which is okay I guess...The subtle music used in the trailer works great, I just hope the score doesn't get too obnoxious and works within the framework Wendy Carlos laid out for the first film.

Although I dread Hollywood's plan to produce 3D movies by the truckload, I'm okay with this being 3D. Immersing myself into the world of Tron and hanging out with Kevin Flynn (Jeff Bridges) sounds like THE best time ever. Conversely, being immersed in the world of My Bloody Valentine 3D and surrounded by bad actors (save for Tommy Atkins, of course) delivering awful lines terribly, was just painful. I've heard a number of theories as to what the plot will be, but I'm ignoring all of them until I read something a bit more official. Judging from the new trailer, it seems as if Kevin Flynn's original computer program "Clu" has a bit of a dark side. Bruce Boxleitner is rumored to be reprising his role as Alan Bradley and with any luck, Tron. I wasn't anticipating this level of excitement for this movie but I'm super pumped, the trailer did not disappoint.

In closing, I'd like to leave you with a clip from the light cycle scene from the first film. Sure, it may look a bit dated and goofy, but for 1982, it was quite impressive.



I'd like a 300 word paper comparing and contrasting the Tron and Tron Legacy clips from this blog post on my desk Monday morning. Or you can just leave a comment instead!

Stretchin' to the Oldies

Since my girlfriend is big time into Yoga, I thought I would show her some love and post this odd little trailer for the Korean Horror flick, Yoga. She loves Yoga, and has enjoyed the Korean films that we have watched together, so this film should be right up her alley! I’m actually not sure if it’s called Yoga, Yoga School, or Yoga Institute, as those are all names that came up when trying to find out shit for this film. It doesn’t really matter since there probably isn’t too many Yoga horror films coming out this year, so as long as Yoga is in the title, it shouldn’t be too difficult figuring out that it’s this movie…as long as they don’t throw a 9 in there, we should be okay.

Anywho, Yoga is directed by Yoon Jae-yeon, who brought us Whispering Corridors 3: Wishing Stairs (or just Wishing Stairs in the U.S.), and is about five insecure women who in the hope for eternal beauty, seek out a mysterious yoga school. They are told that only one of the woman will be able to master the intensive course and attain the beauty that they so desire, and in this intensive yoga course, the woman must follow five rules (like Mogwai!) in order to reach their ultimate goal 1. No eating 2. No taking showers until an hour after class ends 3. No looking into a mirror 4. No leaving the building 5. No calling anyone. Sounds easy enough, but when some of the girls begin to break these easy to follow rules, things start to seem a little off kilter about this school of hard-bods. Here is the trailer that is unfortunately not in English…sorry yo.



I have more than once stated that I love me some good Korean cinema, and even with the film having a completely silly concept (that I still kinda dig) I think it looks promising. The set design is very nice looking, the ladies are hot and in compromisingly wonderful positions, any type of improper body contortion is very cringe inducing, and those sounds that the contorting bodies make are causing me serious bitter beer face. Plus, it is nice to see someone make a horror film for the yoga community, since their only fear before this, was sharting while in downward dog. Yoga…whatever it’s called will be out in Korean theaters on August 20th, so that should mean it would make its way to the States in a decent amount of time. I cannot wait, my girlfriends gonna be so scared that she’s may want to cuddle for safety...that’s prime opportunity to work in a make out session!

Prom Night 2008?!

Why would I subject myself to watching a movie that is so highly revered as a pile of doo doo, you ask? Curiosity I guess. Or maybe I’m a sort of movie masochist that feels the need to watch every horror movie scraped from the very bottom of the barrel, even though I know (sometimes) that they won’t be any good. There are plenty of awful movies that are in some way, shape, or form, mildly entertaining, fun to watch, and some almost transcend the bad veneer with a sense of passion or skill from the people involved with the so-called bad films. Therefore, when I say bottom of the barrel, I am referring to films that are the direct definition of unoriginal and pointless. Movies that have no heart, and are just meant to cash in on the weak and easily influenced youth of today. Perfect example of this is the movie I watched last night, Prom Night. However, I think it only fair to myself as a film fan, namely a horror fan, that I don’t just close mindedly shut out a movie, but instead give it a fair shot, and a fair review.

First we meet Donna (Brittany Snow), who after coming home one night, finds her father and brother brutally murdered. When she realizes that the killer is still in the house, Donna hides under a bed, where she ends up witnessing her mothers death by a man asking where Donna is. Turns out that this has already happened and Donna is trying to cope with the vicious trauma she has gone through as she is telling this terrible tale to her shrink. But, who cares about some dude that killed your family when PROM!! is just around the corner! A chance to wear cute, sassy dresses and hopefully only have to give your boyfriend a hand job instead of giving it up completely. How exciting!! Almost immediately, Prom Night goes right into the lame getting ready for the big dance montage, complete with the “princess for a day!” walk down the stairs scene with the whole “you look beautiful” and all. I was even lucky enough to get the wacky and fun montage of the teens hanging out of a sunroof as their heading to the Prom, all while jammin’ out to some shitty pop song as the hot teens are ridin’ ditr-teh in the stretch. This Prom is already kicking so much ass!

Things don’t get any more original or realistic when Donna and her diverse group of pals roll into the prom. A prom complete with a red carpet, fans, and paparazzi?! Of course, this Prom is mad tight and at the nicest location possible with the budget of 5 million high school dollars that aren‘t being spent on books or teachers’ salaries. Donna and her clique are clearly in for the time of their lives; except for one thing…the man that killed Donna’s family and tried to kill her has surprisingly escaped from prison. We find this out thanks to Detective Winn (Idris Elba), the cop that arrested the killer when the murders had happened. Thankfully, Detective Winn conveniently takes the time to tell his newer partner, Nash (James Ransone) about what had happened in full detail. Turns out the killer was a high school teacher named Richard Fenton (Johnathon Schaech) who had become overly obsessed with Donna when she was just a freshman. Her parents of course put out a restraining order on Fenton to keep him away from the young girl, but Fenton doesn’t exactly take kindly to this and the result is him killing the family to get to Donna.

Now, Fenton is free again and heading to Prom…a Prom that is straight up and off the hook, with the DJ spinnin’ all the hottest beats as the teens are throwing down dance moves with style and pizzazz!! Convenience is key when the Prom is attached to a hotel that Donna and her group of friends happen to be staying at for the rest of the night. Fenton makes his way into the hotel, and through a series of yawn inducing events, finds out which room Donna and her posse are staying in. It is somewhere around this point that the first un-flashback kill happens. Fenton brilliantly fakes out a maid by saying his key card wont work; the maid lets Fenton in the room giving him the chance to kill her. Nevertheless, back to the dance where they are dropping confetti (and hot beats) everywhere!!! I love the pretty colors all around me! Weee! Got any booze?

As expected, Detective Winn and Nash show up to watch out for Donna from a distance, all while being oblivious to the threat that is just an elevator ride away. From here on out, Donna’s crew of sexy teens with tude, each find a way up to the hotel room and right into the clutches of Fenton, who disperses of each victim with a sick ass knife he bought at a swap meet. I will be brief for the sake of spoilers, though it is pointless to keep this film spoil free with it being completely and 100% predictable. Eventually things go awry when Det. Winn learns that Fenton is actually at the Prom (well, in the building attached) and he evacuates the kick-ass dance of my dreams…yup, that pig ruined Prom. Just as that shit was getting hot too!! Big problem now, is the cops lost sight of Donna and cannot find Fenton either…cat and mouse, commence!

Overall, the acting in Prom Night is actually decent. Brittany Snow as Donna is talent put to complete waste with a soulless character that left her with absolutely nothing to chew on. This is a good role to get her face out there more than it already has, as she has been very successful in the acting field. However, it’s not a role that will expand her acting abilities in anyway. Richard Fenton as played by Johnathon Schaech, has appeared in a ton of good and bad movies, and also has a fair share of genre films under his belt. I know him best as the creep from The Doom Generation that ate the cum off his hand. Just typing that made me wish I hadn’t written this post while eating some fruit on the bottom yogurt. I thought Schaech did a pretty good job as the killer, but his menace could quite possibly be related to the whole cum slurping thing that will forever plague my psyche. It definitely wasn’t the baseball cap and the brown blazer that Fenton wore that frightened me, that much I know.

Prom Night’s Director, Nelson McCormick, who just so happens to be doing The Stepfather remake has done a ton of television and is mostly competent in his hired gun directors role. Prom Night is clean looking and acceptably shot, with a few scenes that were noticeable as being somewhat impressive. However, there is little to no tension to be found whatsoever, and that blame could be placed on both the Director, and/or maybe even the film’s editor.

As far as the writing and the story goes, Prom Night is a massive failure that is as uncreative and predictable as any film I have ever seen. There are so many movie clichés to be found and I sure as hell will spend the time to go over some of them. Of course, I already brought up the stereotypical dope ass Prom that is nothing like any Prom that any person has ever been to. These are Proms that are only comparable to the parties thrown for the spoiled brats on the classy MTV series, My Super Sweet 16. You also are in for a scene where Donna expresses fear about her past tragedy to her hunky beau, wherein he tells her that he will never let anything happen to her, and he will always keep her safe and out of harm’s way. Sure you will tough guy; lets see you protect her from a swap meet knife-wielding loony. Uhh ohh, this is around the time that I talk about Donna and her friend’s special moment! They figure out that “this is it…the last hurrah” “high school is over” “it‘s the time of our lives and they‘re almost over for good.” But you know what, one of them will be at state, so he’ll be close, another will be home on holidays, so they can all still see each other...cause they are friends forever! Blah, blah, fucking blah. Then there‘s the great scene where Donna, as the only witness to the murders has to ID Fenton through a one sided mirror. Of course, Fenton magically senses Donna is there and stares at her through the mirror as he talks about their love for one another. Donna starts to bug out, repeatedly saying she wants to leave, when all she has to do was just walk away from the one-way mirror! Dumb ass. I could keep going, but you look tired and I have other shit to talk about, so I’ll move on and attempt to keep this post under epic length.

How are the kills? would be what you are now wondering. There are kills…that are done with a knife…uhhh, that’s about it. Almost every kill is off screen and in the hotel room. There wasn’t anymore than a quarter cup of blood used in Prom Night, and the only real bloodletting was in one of the few kills outside of the hotel room. It is a throat slice that was edited so fast, that it wasn’t really shown and the blood splats across the other side of a tarp. Great editing cause it looked like you saw the character get their throat slit, but it being the best kill is sad since it would be the weakest kill in any other Slasher. A kill just meant to fill a quota.

An in name only remake of the 1980 Canadian Slasher classic (?), Prom Night cost about 20 mil and made just a hair more than that back in the opening weekend alone, thus resulting in it being at the coveted number one spot. Prom Night eventually went on to double that budget in its full theatrical run domestically, making it a pretty successful film. Even though Prom Night was lambasted by critics across the board, still the tweens went out and saw it, resulting in Prom Night becoming the poster boy for what all true horror fans hate about the films that have been representing “our” genre in theaters. If Prom Night had failed at the box office, it would have only been barely noticed by genre filmgoers, instead, it became the target, and to some, the definition of what is wrong with the current state of theatrical horror. However, the movie is not completely what is wrong with cinematic horror; it’s the people that go to the theaters where a bulk of the problem lies. It doesn’t help any that Prom Night is a, dare I say it…remake. Egad! Even worse so is Prom Night is rated PG-13, a rating that to me doesn’t mean a film can’t be scary by any means, but we are talking about a movie that would have to be considered a Slasher film. For the sake of argument, Prom Night is not necessarily a remake since it really has nothing to do with the original except for the Prom setting and the idea of there being a killer. If it were called “The Big Dance” instead, then no one would probably even take notice. Then again, the idea of cashing in on the title of a Slasher film from the 80’s might be reason enough to drink down da hater-aid. So, fair enough on the hate I guess.

Prom Night is just shows what makes many current horror films successful. It isn’t us; the hardcore horror fans that are making these films huge...it is the general audience. I used to think that maybe horror fans where being too lazy to go out and support a film like Land of the Dead or The Devil’s Rejects and more recently Drag Me To Hell (essentially “our” films), resulting in them being unsuccessful at the box office, whether they were good or not. Now I am starting to realize, that there aren’t enough of us that are out there to see them, and the only way a film will do well in the mainstream market is if it attracts more than the horror crowd, i.e. the youthful texting teens of our present times. This is more or less the same reason why a movie like Trick ’r Treat or Midnight Meat Train did not get full theatrical runs when they were originally supposed to.

If you really pay attention to the box office, the films that seem to consistently do well are kid’s movies, whether they be animated or live action. I think that while in a way, horror fans can hate Prom Night for what it is; we also might have to come to terms with the film being essentially, made for kids. Not little kids of course, but teens. I wouldn’t be too worried about a 12 year old seeing this film as I saw WAY worse shit when I was that age. Prom Night has almost no blood, most of the violence is off screen, it has little to no swearing, the sexuality is no more than a kissing scene, and it has good-looking teens dancing to that hippity hop music that kids be loving these days.

So, what it comes down to, is even with all of the things that are wrong with Prom Night, it isn’t as bad as a lot of films I have seen. It isn’t any good if you’ve been paying attention, but it is a film that is essentially made for kids…not for a 32-year-old international sex symbol like myself.

Walter Cronkite vs. Master Control Program

1916 - 2009
Rest in peace Mr. Cronkite.

If you happen to be in LA this August...

Our good pal Jason Cuadrado has an epically amazing short that is going to appear in the HollyShorts Film Festival August 8-13. The film is called Monstrous Nature and here is a synopsis:

Angela (Camillia Sanes) has been kidnapped from her church and dragged into the middle of the woods. She wakes up handcuffed to Paul (Gary Perez) who wants her help to free him from his violent, murderous nature. But it's not prayer he needs from Angela... As the night goes on and the full moon rises, it becomes dangerous clear that Angela will have to choose between her faith and her life. Can she survive long enough to deliver him from the beast inside him?

Here is my official blah blah blahing on this film:

Monstrous Nature is the perfect example of how powerful a short film can be. Clocking in at 15 minutes, MN depicts the internal struggles of an obviously disturbed man. This is a classic premise that proves to be powerful in its simplicity. Writer/director Jason Cuadrado effortlessly creates an atmosphere that is filled with foreboding and thick with dread.

The lean 2 person cast delivers expertly written dialogue that is ripe with emotion. Creating multidimensional characters that viewers actually care for is not an easy feat. It’s an even more difficult task to accomplish in a mere 15 minutes.

MN is, at its heart, a character driven story. What separates it from the pack is the perfectly executed supernatural element. The practical effects are on par with a much larger budget film. MN knows its strengths and uses them wisely. Cuadrado has effectively created a tight 15 minutes of film that will leave the viewer wanting more.

This short seriously blew my mind! Jason Cuadrado is a director to watch. He is insanely talented and one of our biggest cheerleaders. If you are in the LA area I highly recommend checking this out! I will be sure to post any new festival dates as I find out about them. You can find out more about Monstrous Nature here and check out screening info here .

Dance Dance Revolution

Oh man, this trailer is dope. I just posted the teaser for Raging Phoenix a little while ago, and while that was a pretty cool glimpse at what the movie will be like, this trailer really shows you the amount of potential to be found when mixing Martial Arts and hip-hop. Check out the new trailer after these words...



First off, did you see that guy using "the worm" to fend off foes?! The fighting styles look so cool, and the mix of dancing and fighting have a very Drunken Boxing look to them. I love Drunken Boxing. This trailer has me extremely excited to see Raging Phoenix, and has also inspired me to finally buy that breakdance instructional video I've always wanted...

Top 5 Villains Remix!

Matt inspired me with his list of villains. So I decided to rip off his fab idea and do my own! In no particular order:

Nicky Holiday - The Great Muppet Caper
Sure next to all these other maniacal madmen (and women) Nicky Holiday seems like a lovable old chap. I assure you, Charles Grodin is not a nice guy. Not only does he frame Miss Piggy he also toys with her delicate emotions. Unforgivable! I included this incarnation of Grodin on my list because he is an over the top and hilarious antagonist in this, my favorite, muppet adventure.



Annie Wilkes - Misery
Annie Wilkes is fucking crazy. I'm not sure what else needs to be said. If you've seen Misery and I sincerely hope you have, you know why she belongs on this list. Kathy Bates does a top notch job bringing this threatening and obviously unbalanced woman to life. Her childlike innocence and violent temper are a chilling combo.



Grand High Witch - The Witches
Why kids movies? Well, they tend to have villains that lack any depth. The second you put internal struggle into a character I start empathizing and looking for the good. Not The Grand High Witch. She is bad to the bone. With her violet eyes and propensity for turning children to mice, Anjelica Huston's portrayal of this power hungry witch is enough to make anyone cower.



Chamberlain - The Dark Crystal
This is the final Henson creation on my list, I promise! The Chamberlain is the most slimy, scheming and despicable of all the Skeksis. He is a villain to all Gelflings and therefore is a villain to me. His maniacal and annoying cooing is the stuff of legend. No character, human or puppet, has done so much double crossing and made so many annoying sounds. That has earned the Chamberlain a place on my list.



The Masks - Halloween III: Season of the Witch
I promise I'm not trying to be difficult. Halloween 3 is one of my top 80's horror films. I could go on a tangent about how it's cursed with the "Halloween" moniker and how Tom Atkins is an unsung cinematic hero. I mean, I kind of just did... but we will leave it at that. I stand by my assertion that the Silver Shamrock masks are villains. Hell, they scare me half to death. These seemingly simplistic masks will lock onto your head and turn you in bugs and snakes. I shiver at the thought! And don't try to tamper with the chip or else a crazy beam will bust your face open! These latex beauties mean business. God I love that movie...



Now just a quick end note. My goal was to include "villains" who were unapologetic for their actions. People (or things) that showed no remorse and inspired no sympathy. I also decided to omit some picks that may have been a bit more obvious ie: The Tall Man of Phantasam fame, The murdering Birds from The Birds, Leatherface (even though I'm the tool who feels bad for him) and Anton Chigurh from No Country for Old Men. I am sure I will think of more later.

Top 5 Best Villains EVER!

Well, maybe I’m fibbing a bit when I say best villains ever, but it is a list that has 5 characters that just so happen to be Villain’s, and they are “the best.” So yeah, technically, it is the top 5 best villain’s list…okay, maybe I’m reaching a bit with “best,” but it is a nice diverse list of bad-ass tough guy characters to say the least. Some good, and some just plain fun, but every one of them has created some sort of misery for each one of their respective film protagonists. Now please, sit back, sip on a warm cup of love with a dab of honey, and enjoy…

1. Norman Stansfield - The Professional

The Professional has one of my all time favorite villain’s, played by one of my all time favorite actors in Gary Oldman as the “cop gone bad,” Norman Stansfield. Bad really isn’t the word that describes Stansfield; evil would most certainly be more fitting. Stansfield is a sweaty, greasy, drugged up, corrupt, child killing bastard, who pretty much does whatever he wants, and has the means to do so and get away with it. He has absolutely no redeemable qualities whatsoever, and everyone is expendable to him. He is a truly scary character, one that you would not want to be on the wrong side of.



2. Stripe - Gremlins

Love Joe Dante’s 1984 horror/comedy masterpiece Gremlins, which also has a very awesome baddie known to humans simply as, Stripe. What makes Stripe so bad you say? Well, first off, he does have a Mohawk which shows he is rebelling against society. He loves to swim and reproduce in closed swimming pools, after hours, with no life guards on duty…what if someone were to drown? I doubt Stripe knows mouth to mouth and/or CPR, so that just shows his reckless nature. He also rides around care free on his skateboard in the mall…while it’s closed!! And he has a habit of sneaking friends into the movies without paying…bullshit. Oh, and I should add that Stripe does have a potty mouth as he often refers to America’s sweetheart, Gizmo as “Gizmo caca.” I think we all know that Gizmo is not in anyway, caca...okay, Stripe.



3. Jared Svenning - Mallrats

The underrated 1994 film Mallrats gave us a great villain in the controlling, skinhead, exhibitionist, Jared Svenning. For a man that loves chocolate covered pretzel’s he sure is an asshole. He is uncreative, possessive, and he really dislikes anyone wearing his daughter as a cock ring. The worst thing about Svenning is that he knows Karate and isn’t afraid to use it on you if you try and get into his daughters pants. But, the only positive thing, is that his Martial Art’s moves are only effective when he’s wearing no more than a damp towel. So, chances are you can get away from him before he unleashes his “semi-nude” attack. Michael Rooker who played Svenning, has recently gone on record as saying that he is embarrassed about playing this character for he has officially denounced nude fighting for religious reasons. Whatever that means.



4. Greg Rainmaker - The Stabilizer

Next up is Greg Rainmaker from 1984’s The Stabilizer; Rainmaker truly will make it “rain” on your parade if you cross his path. He is a drug smuggler and a twisted gang leader, obsessed with stylish tuxes whilst wearing a beard, showing he doesn’t need to keep a close shave for anyone. If you do find yourself in Greg Rainmaker’s company, better hope it’s on the golf course…cause he wears cleats with sharpened pointy ends that he just loves to use on helpless woman that are engaged to men with nice perms. Even if he doesn’t end your life with his devastating “cleat blows” you will for sure need to spend an entire day waiting in the emergency room for a tetanus shot. Now that is truly frightening…



5. Greg Tolan - Just One of the Guys

What’s that you say? The great William Zabka mentioned as a villain, and it’s not as Cobra Kai “Never Die” Johnny Lawrence? Blasphemy! Well, not really, see Johnny shows he isn’t a bad guy at heart by the end of Yuen Woo ping’s Martial Arts epic, The Karate Kid. But, in 1985’s Just One of the Guys, Zabka’s character Greg Tolan is a truly evil person…he has blond feathered hair (that even wind is afraid to flow through), hates cross dressers, and he is just an overall prick. Even when Tolan isn’t at the gym, he still wears a pair of moist weightlifting gloves so he can show off his strength in the cafeteria by lifting tables and dumping lunches on unsuspecting wimps. Shoulda brought a bagged lunch, loser.



So that is my list of the Top 5 Best Villains, hope you all enjoyed my picks and have some good ones to add yourself. I am a little disappointed in myself that I had no ladies on this delectably delicious list of yummy. However, that gives me reason (or an excuse) to do another villain list some time down the road, but with all women!!

Raging Phoenix

Oh the joy and the happiness found in me bones when I ran into the teaser for Raging Phoenix (Du Suay Doo), the newest film staring Thai Martial Arts super sensation, JeeJa Yanin. JeeJa made a huge splash onto the Martial Arts scene with her 2008 debut film, Chocolate. If you read my review of Chocolate, then you will already know that I loved that film, and even more, loved JeeJa Yanin as a young autistic girl on a path of sassy destruction. So, it should be easy to figure that I am wicked excited for a new film from her, and after seeing this newly released teaser for Director Rashane Limtrakul’s Raging Phoenix, I am even more pumped.

Not really sure as to what the story may actually be about, Raging Phoenix has a blend of hip hop music, hip hop dancing, and a romance between JeeJa’s character and her co-star Patrick Tang. Sounds so terrible, yet so fucking great! I will bank that this film will be much better than that one movie with Jet Li and Ashanti…but then again, walking in on your Nana while she’s taking a dump is better than that piece of crap film. Wiping (get it) away that visual and moving on, those are elements that haven’t gone all to well in previous films, and it sounds just plain terrible on paper, but on film, it looks like it could be pretty fun and semi different from your average Martial Arts film…namely one from Thailand. All right, enough of my yappin’ already, here is the teaser…



See that dude spinning around on his hands?! I thought it was Eddy from Tekken for a second there! You can see the hip-hop influence in some of the brief fighting moments, and they look great. Not sure, how far the hip-hop will go outside of maybe influencing the fighting style, I am kinda hoping it is like Breakin’ 2 Electric Boogaloo meets Chocolate, but that may be a wet dream never realized outside of my own slumber. No real romance to be found, but it is just a teaser for a movie that has the Chocolate hype behind it, so keeping with the fighting elements is probably just a marketing thing. Either way, JeeJa is dope, so isn’t this teaser, and I cannot wait for Raging Phoenix to make its way into my DVD player. It is set to be released in Thailand on August 12th of this year, so hopefully with the popularity of Chocolate; Raging Phoenix is on the fast track to a stateside release.

Thanks For the Ride Lady!

As a director, Stuart Gordon is still relevant and has transcended many a horror director of his generation by not being afraid to color outside the lines of conventional fright films. However, Gordon never strays too far, always keeping the horror within an earshot in various ways. Be it the violence of King of the Ants, the depravity of Edmond, or the story of a man Stuck inside a woman’s car windshield after a hit and run automobile accident.

2007’s Stuck is a Stuart Gordon vehicle (see what I just did there?!) with a plot that in one way is as simple as that, a man stuck in a windshield and left to die. However, as it turns out, Stuck is also a deeply layered character study that goes beyond your average black comedy.

Loosely based off of an insane, yet very true story, Stuck follows two main characters; Tom (Stephen Rea), who has recently run into some very tough times in his life. Tom has been evicted from his apartment just before an interview at a job placement agency, that due to an unfortunate computer error is botched and leaves Tom with no chance of getting a job. This series of events results in Tom being homeless and sleeping on a park bench. Then there’s ghetto superstar Brandi (Mena Suvari), who works as a nursing home aide and is being considered for a huge promotion at her job. Brandi celebrates this good news by going out to da club and getting cocked with here “bad news bear” boy toy/drug dealer, Rashid (Russell Hornsby), who feeds her ecstasy throughout the night.

On her way home to meet with Rashid for some of that good lovin‘, a wasted Brandi swerves all over the road as she is blasted and on her cell phone not paying any attention to the road. This is when Brandi and Tom first meet, unfortunately for Tom, it’s because she hits him with her car head on, resulting in Tom being lodged head first in the windshield. Over the limit, and not sure what to do about it, Brandi drives home and parks her new human enhanced hybrid in the garage, leaving Tom to die as she tries to figure out what to do about the situation. Instead of resolving the problem, Brandi takes some more “E” and sticks with her original plan of getting some of that Rashid action, only to wake up the next morning to find Tom still alive in her windshield. Afraid to ruin her possible new promotion (and essentially her life) because of drunk driving, Brandi leaves Tom to die while she tries to devise a plan to get rid of the evidence, thus keeping her out of trouble. All the while, Tom tries to hold on to dear life and survive this tragic ordeal any way he can, as he is once again in a situation that he cannot control.

I’ll start by saying that Stuck is a very black comedy, that while being a horrible situation, is a situation that is open to some humor. Outside of a few scenes and a funny opening at the old folks home set to some tight hip hop music, I wouldn’t consider Stuck’s humor to be very in your face as the comedy elements are “mostly” naturalistic and more about the naivety and lack of compassion from Brandi’s character. Once scene has Tom reaching for and honking the car horn, Brandi desperately tries to stop him and in an evil turn, knocks him out with a 2x4. My favorite line in the film happens soon after that, when Brandi gets in the car and looks Tom dead in the eyes and says, “Why are you doing this to me?” That line made me chuckle quite a bit. Only thing that would have been better, is if Brandy in her best Arnold impression told Tom to "Stick around."

Of course, with a situation involving a man trapped in a windshield, there are some gruesome moments in Stuck. The initial car accident is pretty awesome looking with how its shot and is kinda frightening when it happens. Though a little on the fake side with the windshield glass breaking into big shards instead of spider webbing like a windshield does in real life. Nevertheless, it’s still very cool looking, incorrect or not. Another scene has Tom trying to reach a cell phone left in the car by Brandi, but a broken windshield wiper is jammed into the side of his abdomen causing him great pain. Tom (with very little leverage) tries to lift his body and dislodge the wiper blade, and while you don’t actually see it in his skin because of his clothing, its still a painful scene to watch. One other scene that was very cool and somewhat gruesome is one that I wont go into details about, because it’s spoiler city. I’ll just say that it proves that the pen truly is mightier than the sword…you’ll know what I’m talking about if you see the film. Same goes for the justified, ironic, and very entertaining ending that had me wearing a shit eating grin and loving every minute of Stucks finale.

I can safely say that I really enjoyed Stuck for its humorous moments, and its horrific scenes, but the thing I like most about the film is the characters of Tom and Brandi, and how there lives are on opposite ends of the spectrum.

Brandi’s life is going perfectly, she’s young and full of life, she is doing great at work with the possibility of a promotion and she even has landed the man of “her” dreams in Rashid. Her life is on the up rise and only looking to get better, that is until her chance meeting with Tom. Tom on the other hand is as low as it gets, he’s old and worn out, he’s jobless, homeless, and defeated. It would seem that Tom’s life couldn’t get any worse, that is until he literally runs into Brandi. Now Brandi’s life can only get worse, while Tom’s can only get better…unless he dies that is. The two characters are complete opposites in their respected times in life, but in their encounter, everything changes and goes in a different direction for each of them. I really liked this aspect of Stuck and found it to be very smart on Gordon’s (who wrote it) part to have the characters be so contrasting.

Tom’s character is even more developed, intricate, and metaphoric than in his comparison to Brandi. The metaphor is as simple as a man whose life has gone to complete shit; he is so down in the dumps and has almost completely given up on life. He is figuratively stuck in a bad situation that he can’t get himself out of and then literally stuck when trapped in the cars windshield. This of course gives the character another arc, where no matter how bad everything has gone for this man, he still want’s to live, and he will fight as hard as he can to survive his biggest road block in life. This would seem to be a (very harsh) turning point in Tom’s life, where he tries to find the strength to make it through this impossible ordeal, as opposed to just giving up as he had done before when faced with a tough challenge.

I guess you could make a similar case for Brandi’s character that had everything going right for her, but now everything is spinning out of her control as her life is crumbling before her very own eyes. She finds out that Rashid isn’t all that faithful to her (in what is another very funny scene); her career is in jeopardy, along with possibly her freedom if she is found to have committed such a crime. She too is stuck in a situation that she cannot control, and has no idea how to deal with it all. In addition, as with Tom, this is Brandi’s life altering turning point, where she is trying to fight to keep her world from going down the proverbial toilet.

Pretty brilliant character development if you ask me.

So, with a film that for me works as a solid black comedy, I found it to be a nice surprise to have such a well developed set of characters that pushed Stuck up a few notches in the “I like this movie” category. And I did very much enjoy the film and pretty much love most of what Stuart Gordon has done all throughout his career as he is doing some solid films, and I anticipate anything he works on (AND I CANNOT WAIT FOR HOUSE OF RE-ANIMATOR!). I can feel confident in suggesting Stuck to any fan of Gordon’s work, to any fan of good black comedies, and to anyone that likes complex characters, development, and depth in their films.

Z Channel & Choke & Hancock OH MY!

It seems as of late that I watch a film and it slowly slides out of my brain pan. Nothing has really stuck enough for me to sit down and write about it. So to remedy this, I give you a giant mishmash of stuff!


Choke
Anyone who follows me on twitter (www.twitter.com/Paracinema) may have caught my slightly disillusioned tweets after viewing. Even days later I can't put my finger on what I disliked about the whole affair. For anyone who doesn't know Choke is the screen adaptation of a Chuck Palahniuk novel of the same name. I really enjoyed that book and even though it's been years since I read it, I remember it effected me deeply. I was expecting the movie to do the same and it just didn't. The acting was solid, the adaptation was OK; there was no glaring reason why this should have left such a "meh" taste in my mouth. Dare I blame the direction? Although I'm not positive that's the root of my issues, I can't think of any other reasons. I certainly didn't hate it. It just felt a tad hollow.

Lifeboat
Lifeboat is my new favorite Hitchcock film. Sure there isn't any blackmail or torrid love affairs or even a strangling; just some people stranded in a lifeboat. Let the hi jinks ensue! I love people trapped places! It really becomes a study on the human condition. This is a solid and entertaining 96 minutes based on a John Steinbeck story. It's fast moving and very satisfying. Give it a whirl, it's on netflix instant watch!

Hancock
Why did I watch this? Curiosity. And instant watch. Hancock had a lot of potential. I was roped in by the setup. Unlike many, I am a fan of Will Smith and I find his characters to be empathetic. The alternate reality where a superhero is just something to deal with was a fascinating premise that Smith pulled off rather convincingly. It's a shame the film didn't continue along that same route. I would have been content watching 90 minutes of the characters strife and struggle in a world where he has become a burden. Instead I got *spoiler* Charlize Theron flying around and quickly trying to shoehorn in a lengthy back story and complex mythology *end spoiler*. It was a super fun cast and I did chuckle a few times. I love you instant watch!


Z Channel: A Magnificent Obsession
Where to begin... Z Channel is probably one of the most perfectly executed documentaries I have ever watched. I had never heard of the pay channel known as Z Channel and I am overcome with jealousy that I will never know it's sweet embrace. For a genre fan, hell for any fan of film, Z Channel is like a wet dream! The documentary expertly balances the individual yet often overlapping tales of the rise of the channel, the movies it brought into the mainstream and the man who made it all happen. This is a staple in any film fans collection. The rewatchability is so high because of the documentaries many focuses. You could spend the whole running time just jotting down films you now have to track down. It's not every day you find something of this nature with a compelling story and heart that is also informative.

So that's what I've been watching. That and Doctor Who.

Stuck in the middle with you, and you, and you…

On my top 10 most anticipated films of 2009 list, I had the upcoming David Morley French zombie film, Mutants, at the number 5 spot. Well, as it turns out, Mutants isn’t the only dead-kid on the zombie block. What’s this you say?! Another French lensed zombie film?! I thought, “There can be only one?” Well that is thankfully not the case here as I have stumbled upon yet another zombie film from the land of hairy armpited women. It is titled La Horde (or The Horde if you believe in freedom), and the story is as follows…"Looking to take revenge for a slain fellow police officer, four shady cops go after the ruthless gangsters behind the murder in an abandoned building that serves as the gangsters hideout. After being trapped inside of the building, the gangsters and police officers are forced to fight for their lives from an unexpected zombie horde, causing the sworn enemies to form unexpected alliances with each other in the name of staying alive.”

As I said when I posted about Mutants, I am excited to see any film in the horror genre put forth by the French, and that excitement isn’t any different in the case of La Horde. It’s very cool that both Mutants and La Horde look completely different from one another, while both being of zombie nature. Mutants looks to be a very personal zombie film with very few characters to push the story forward, while La Horde on the other hand has a lot more characters to follow and of course with a title like La Horde, you can expect a shit ton of zombies. Plus, on top of zombies, you got cops and gangsters! It’s like Johnnie To’s Breaking News with zombies...and no news crew of course. Check out the trailer below…



Pretty cool looking right? Has that very gritty, yet clean looking French style to it, and the last shot of that dude trapped right in the middle of the zombie horde is great…I cant believe how many zombies are actually in that shot! Wish I knew what that guy was yelling though, probably something along the lines of “You‘re stepping on my new Air Jordan‘s!” La Horde is written and directed by virtual newcomers Yannick Dahan, and Benjamin Rocher, but the big name involved is that of the films producer, Xavier Gens. Gens is of course the director of one of the earlier in the “not all that new any more” new wave of French horror with his 2007 film Frontière(s) and also the director behind the video game film adaptation Hitman. I found Frontière(s) to be an enjoyable watch even though it was a little slow in the first half, but the second half of the film is pretty satisfying with some great scenes and the ending was strong in my opinion. Though it was not as “hardcore” as promised, I overall like that film and Gens name being involved will obviously result in La Horde getting a little more attention from horror fans. No official release date for La Horde at this moment, but it seems that the movie will be out sometime this year, I will certainly keep my eyes peeled on any news of this film.

Have a Happy 4th of July...

...or else.

Vote or Die (from space slug infestation)

Back in early April, I posted about the Fred Dekker horror classic, Night of the Creeps and it's finally coming to DVD after years spent feeding the families of dirtball bootleggers (no offense). Since that post, the extras have been announced and they sound great and very plentiful, but the cooler news is that fans of the film have a chance to actually vote on which cover ends up on the final product to be released on October 20th. Not sure if too many people know about this promotion, so I figured why not spread the fun and let you guys in on it. Amazon is behind these crazy shenanigans and if you would like to, then head over to this page to vote and you can also pre-order Night of the Creeps if you feel inclined to do so.

Gimmicky? Of course. Cool? Hell yeah! I love that it is being made into something fun and it's also a great marketing ploy that is reminiscent of the films that inspired Night of the Creeps in the first place. Only problem I have is that the covers are all pretty lame and I would much rather have the original poster art donning this much-anticipated DVD. Here they are in order of how they appear on Amazon…

Not all that great as I said, the first one is okay and the third cover is just plain awful. For my vote, I went with number two since I think it is the coolest one. Though I do like that each cover choice has a different film era look about them. Still, I would much rather have the REAL cover art, but hey, I’ll just be content with getting the movie on DVD once and for all. Beggars can’t be choosers right? If you are into voting for things that won’t cost you any money to do so, then head over to Amazon and push the buttons on that mouse to vote and be in on the good times that everyone is having. You do not wanna miss out; this is the coolest thing since smoking! You have till the 12th of this month to vote, so head over before it’s too late, then head back here and tell me which one you voted for! Do it for Atkins' mustache.

Monster Mash

When 2007's Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer started to make its rounds on the horror circuit, I initially showed some slight interest, but ultimately lost that interest in the film as time went on. I kinda figured it would just be a lame homage to monster movies of the past, that outside of James Gunn's Slither, don't usually work all that well due to it just being a different era in film. Nevertheless, Jack Brooks was available on instant watch, so I figured I would give it a whirl late one night, and if it sucked, I could just fall asleep and never think about it again.

Yar! There be spoilers up ahead there matey…so ye be warned!

Trevor Matthews plays Jack Brooks, a plumber dealing with major anger control issues that result in him trying to curb his temper tantrums by seeing a psychiatrist and attending night school. It is soon learned that many of Jack's anger problems stem from an incident that occurred while camping out in the woods with his family when he was just a young chap. Jack came to witness his family's death when a creature similar to something along the lines of a werewolf mauled them before the young boy's eyes. Jack of course got away from the creature, running into the darkness of the woods to safety. Now, an all grownz up, Jack seems to have repressed this awful event in his life, resulting in him being an angry adult with no clue as to what causes his temperamental attitude towards life. Even at the night school, Jack has some bull-shit to deal with, such as poor grades, his nagging girlfriend, Eve (Rachel Skarsten), and some D-bag, yuppie/stoner, John (James A. Woods), who seems to want to dig his dirty little pecker into Jacks girl.

Jacks night school Professor, Gordon Crowley (Robert Englund) asks Jack if he could possibly come up to his new fixer upper home and check his pipes (not like THAT you dirty person you!) to see if he could possibly fix a problem he has been having with them. When Jack helps with the plumbing and everything goes completely wrong, it results in an opening in Professor Crowley's back yard. This opening discharges a smoke which possesses Prof. Crowley causing him to dig deeper into the hole only to find a wooden crate with a deceased body inside. In a scene reminiscent of the "seminal horror classic" Jason Goes to Hell, Prof. Crowley eats a blackened heart found within the corpse causing him to start a slow transformation into something that is not of human qualities.

When Crowley shows up to class the next evening, it is apparent to the students that he is all messed up and doing some strange, unexplainable things. Eventually, things escalate in Crowley transforming into a grotesque creature that takes each student one by one and turns them into monster foot soldiers. As Jack is moments away from escape, he has a flashback to what had happened to his family when he was little, and now finds himself in a situation where he can use and harness his anger to fight off the creatures trying to save his classmates and stop this mad monster version of a queen bee.

Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer actually took me by surprise and I found that I very much enjoyed the movie overall. First time director, Jon Knautz does an admirable job as the film is well made with a hint of style here and there. Jack Brooks is a Canadian production and budgeted at 2.5 million in Canadian money, which is around 2,200,000.00 in U.S. dollars…pretty cheap for a film, that overall looks very good.

Based off the poster art and trailers I saw, I expected Jack Brooks to try to be an Evil Dead/Ash rip off and while it is a movie that is most definitely made to be a fun horror film along the lines of that type of movie, Jack Brooks does feel like its own film. Trying to find a place in horror hero history, Jack is an interesting character that is more of an antihero as he is sort of a dick that can't control himself when he gets irritated by someone or something. You see a lot of what Jack goes through on a daily basis from his out of control shrink visits, to his nightmare that is night school, so you really get to have some solid investment time with this character.

Trevor Matthews (who co-wrote and co-produced) is great as Brooks, and I found him to have solid acting chops as a hero and an angry zero. I also enjoyed most of the cast namely, Rachel Skarsten, who puts together a great performance as Eve, the snotty but pretty girlfriend of Jack. Another performance that I found to be very funny is from the D-bag himself James A. Woods, who often made me chuckle in Jack Brooks as he has a great comedic face and delivers his stoner dialogue cooked to perfection. Most notable in Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer would have to be Robert Englund, who most of you may know best as, Willie, the good alien form the 80's TV series V. While some may enjoy his performance, and it's nice to see Englund on screen, he is a little too over the top and really hams it up as Professor Crowley. It's not terrible, but just a little much for my taste and it is something I will hit on again in just a moment.

Now, I liked watching the character of Jack, but if you don't find him appealing, then this movie will not work for you whatsoever. There is very little to no Monster Slaying action for just about the first hour of Jack Brooks…this is a big no-no in my book and I have hated movies for doing such a thing on previous occasions. Nevertheless, I did like the character of Jack and that is what kept me from being completely bored. Though, I most certainly noted, and wasn't happy that there was no monster mashing to be found in the movies first two acts. It's very clear that you are meant to spend time with this character so you can get to know him and like him, this is a franchise character and you will no doubt see more than one Jack Brooks film in the future. Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer is not devoid of any horror elements through the first hour though, as you get the slow Robert Englund transformation from professor of science, to monster making creature. Some may find this pre-transformation stuff amusing, but I'm not one of them. I hardly ever enjoy these types of weird gross out scenes and have found them to be boring and too dragged out. Watching Englund slop around with squishy noises and narsty burp sounds is not all that funny to me.

If you are not one to find either Jack or Prof. Crowley entertaining, than you may find it hard to get through Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer. However, if you can stick it out for that first hour, than you are in for quite the treat in the final act of the movie.

When Professor Crowley finally finds himself taken over by his inner demon, Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer really lives up to the promises it makes with such a title. The whole Crowley attack/school takeover is a blast, as you witness a now fully mutated Crowley as he possesses each of the night class students by jamming his yucky mutant tongue into their mouths and filling them with some sort of monster makin' juice. Each of the class members turn into hybrid looking demon/werewolves with super strength and a slimy tar looking complexion that attack Brooks and the few students that weren't initially taken by monster Crowley.

What makes all of this even better is the use of on set special/practical effects. No CGI anywhere near Jack Brooks in any way shape or form. It's a joy for me to see a film go the "old school" route and do so with major success. All of the FX works is top notch and perfectly executed with all the tricks of the trade in use from reverse photography, puppetry, camera tricks, latex, and lots of real on set blood! And when I say real blood, I just mean none of that fake ass computer generated ca ca. Anyways, the practical effects are pulled off almost perfectly and look great, the only thing that doesn't look all that real is the Crowley monster. Fake looking or not, it is still a cool as ice puppet, and I loved seeing it in use in a movie as it brought me back to the old days of Skid Row T-shirts and Europe tapes.

Any fan of 80's 90's horror films should really enjoy Jack Brooks for all of these reasons and it's nice to see movies like this being made, and to a certain extent, pretty damn well too. If you can buy into and enjoy the character of Jack, and don't mind sitting through a long dong lead up time, you will certainly be rewarded with a great ending that has me eagerly anticipating a sequel. I am happy I sat down and gave Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer a view. As I said, it isn't devoid of issues by any means, but there was enough here for me to like with some of the great throwback elements, the awesome FX work, and a character in Jack that worked for me.